The Miracle in July

Like a shoe needs another
like a book needs a cover to get by
we’ll get by through loopholes with love

[Through Loopholes with Love] by [Moi Caprice]

The night that Daniel told me he was in love with me, I was preparing to escape civilization for awhile. I was headed for a long weekend at [Hug Point] beach, a magical place where the cold Pacific ocean licks a wind-carved cliff sprouting a ragged and dense evergreens. It was my annual trek to the Oregon Coast with my best friend Becca, a few days of forced relaxation and over-indulgence on food and wine. I was looking forward to climbing the [walls of high rock] which melted [in the sand] like frosting on a still-too-warm cake. I couldn't wait to wade in the low-tide pools trapped at the bottom, where plant-life was nurtured into private little Grottos. We always went to the same place, a gorgeous and spacious one-story cabin with a wrap-around porch, a fire pit, and a view of [Haystack Rock]. The kitchen was my domain. It had everything I could ever want, and I spent my time there opening and closing its sea-foam green cabinets and drawers, baking anything I wanted — pies, cookies, scones — and staring out the bright windows, peering through the evaporating sea haze into my future.

Going here with Becca meant I was free to do as I wanted. For just a few, lovely days, I could forget my all-consuming responsibility to provide for my small family. I could ignore the pang of regret for the wasted hours spent at my job, listening to the depressed and nearly dead transcribe their last wishes in their over-priced video wills, watching for the traces of unspoken words between the gaps in their halting, raspy narratives as they explained who would be benefiting from their demise. On the deck of the cabin at Hug Point, these things did not exist. Only the fog rolling into my [Widow's walk] bedroom in the morning, and the brilliant sunset coloring my dreams at night.

There was no expectation or sense of obligation to bond or talk with my friend Becca, my vacation housemate, while there; the purpose of coming here was not to strengthen our relationship, although that was a natural benefit. We could walk the beige sand holding hands and sigh in unison all we desired — or not. Each salty breath we took was to expel the bad taste of the troubles we'd left behind momentarily, and we went together to share that transcendental bath in the delicious evils of hedonism. If only for a long weekend.

This year's trip was different for me, however. It was the first time since Daniel and I had met that we wouldn't be able to contact each other whenever we wanted. I was off the grid in this beautiful oasis on the Oregon Coast. And Daniel was moving to his new apartment that same weekend. When we spoke again, he would be living somewhere else. I felt this separation between myself and my Danish lover a double jeopardy. Now would be the perfect time for either of us to disengage, to disappear. It would be easier to withdraw from the partnership after a few days of unbearable quiet — or would it be relief? And where was the relationship going? Where could it ever go, in real life? Did I have the strength to endure the harship of accepting the difficult choice in following my bliss?

Daniel: Have an appointment in 30 minutes
woke up
but I want coffee...
and you
here with me
Me: that would just be just what I want
what a surprise!
Daniel: Yes - you want those things too - what does that mean, do you think?
Me: that we should make it happen
no matter what
Daniel: you're damned right
no matter what

I had started to drink in earnest the fantasy of a wildly successful career as a writer. I became intoxicated with the belief that I could be doing something different with my life, that I could find a way to pull the publishing and authoring worlds toward me, to have them turn to watch me blaze in the sky. Daniel and I would soak in these dreams — especially after our beautiful, nebulous orgasms. For his part, Daniel would seek his destiny of stardom, find success in his acting/writing/artistry. Together we could exist together as we wanted, however we wanted. But in the meantime, it would be very hard. It was already hard.

From experience I've learned that life is just as grueling as it is rewarding. It made perfect sense to me that choosing to be the devoted, doting girlfriend of an incredible man, a man I had never touched with my fingers or lips, would be an arduous, melancholy undertaking. I knew this, intimately. Daniel said it best: "I'm enjoying myself with you — a whole weekend without you is heartbreaking."

Daniel: Oui, tu moi donne Un amour, un soirir, une fleur, et puis tu ma quitte
Me: Took some pictures tonight, darling. Is that French? I see: yes, me, love, flower
Daniel: yes thats french - "Yes, you give me love one night, a flower, and then you leave me"
I speak it. Sexy language, the language of love. now about those pics....
Me: the "international language" yes?
Daniel: mais oui
et alors les photos?
Me: went to Lily's place and had a little fun
Daniel: YAY
Me: she'll get them to me tomorrow and I'll send a few of the good ones. Plus out-takes, I know you like that.
Daniel: great
Can't wait
in fact...
GET THEM NOW
[gigas]
How is L?
I'm so into her art
Me: I have a lot of it in my home
Daniel: I HAVE ONE TOO
Me: I know, I kissed it before she sent it to you
Daniel: you did?
Me: yep
Daniel: but why?
Me: to say good bye to it maybe, I dont know. Or maybe to wish it a safe journey.
Daniel: where
Me: the base of the red tree
Daniel: in the corner
Me: yes
Daniel: oh
your breath is on my tree - that's ... uh so sexy
Me: I guess I'm sorta there already
Daniel: ......yeah....
fucking great
What are you doing?
Me: thinking about the dynamics of you, me and Lily
It's like now suddenly a [triangle walks] in to join two random sets of happy pairs
Daniel: explain please
Me: hm...
well you're so important to her, like many people are. but you're a bit more important to her than most. she has a connection to you and you have one to her. and so do I, and now we have something special but very different.
but I dont ever want to step on you and her, you know?
Daniel: So you find it a difficult threesome?
Me: nooooo
hm
Daniel: interesting I find it
me: I want to always feel I am honoring your relationship with her
because I want you to have it forever, because her friendship is heaven.
Daniel: are there problems connected to this?
Me: Noooooooooooooooooo
Daniel: then I'm misinterpreting
Me: most definitely yes
Daniel: reading something between the lines that is not there
Me: yes, you are
Daniel: ok
Me: that's what happens when I try to get all deep and shit.
Daniel: keep at it girl, you're doing a good job, I'm just being gay
Me: GAY? Promises, promises...
Daniel: lol
Me: okay, one more try?
Daniel: The reason we're so close, is that I see her art for what it is - the things she's communicating - on a deep level - I seem to just open her mind more. See all the facets. She has a dark mind as well as a light, things better left unspoken. I see those, and when I interpret her paintings I get the layers separated. No one has done that before I guess, and seen her art like I do.
Me: You've been wonderful and will continue to provide those things to her. You're quite right, I've watched her art change over the years, and I've been encouraging her on my end. I knew you were saying things to help her, it was why I was so curious about you. All I'm trying to say is that you're a good thing for her, and that's your special thing together.
make sense?
Daniel: ok, so whats 'but i dont ever want to step on you and her, you know?' about?
Me: I'm saying I understand the creative process and the closeness between artists, and I'm not one to get jealous and come between that. I'm trying to reassure you. I know you're an actor, and you're around many beautiful women. And I don't care about that. It's not something to be jealous of.
Sweetheart, there's nothing to read between my lines.
Daniel: lol
ok
Me: geesh! *rolls eyes*
*punches you in the arm — hard*
Daniel: *heart*
Me: you wanna kiss me?
Daniel: more than ever
Me: because I'm awesome?
Daniel: because you're you
Me: *heart swelling with joy*
Daniel: *kiss*
Me: I want the real ones, damnit
Daniel: I do, too
Me: I know. what's your day like? you're going to the gym with Søren?
Daniel: I have to go get some more boxes that my ex gf has, to the bank, and get my not existing economy back on track - borrow 2500$ for the deposit, go hang out with Søren and put together another scene for our satire, go to the gym, work out, go home get packing and send out another job application, and...well... loads of other small stuff
Me: *wipes brow*
Daniel: I know
I never get stressed tho
Me: what's the point in stressing out?
Daniel: to cool for that
Me: waayy to cool (liar)
Daniel: que sera sera
Me: You have asked to share the messenger background [Clocks ] with Daniel.
The transfer of the shared background is complete.
Daniel: stress kills you
omg
Me: You have asked to share the messenger background [Hearts ] with Daniel.
The transfer of the shared background is complete.
Daniel: jesus
Me: so do cigs, lover. ahem.
*smiling sweetly*
Daniel: this is cool
Me: You have asked to share the background [Fishies ] with Daniel.
The transfer of the shared background is complete.
Daniel: no the other one
Me: clocks?
Daniel: yeah
or hearts
Me: You have asked to share the background Pixies with Daniel.
The transfer of the shared background is complete.

Daniel: I LOVE IT, can't stop giggling - I love you
Me: Ohhh!
are we underwater?
Daniel: I think so, they're so pretty those pixies
*blub-blub*
Me: I imagine that is jelly fish in the background
Daniel: the background is called pixies
Me: I know, but it looks likes waves are making the foliage sway, deep underwater
Daniel: aren't there pixies underwater?
Me: idk
Daniel: swim with me
Me: k, keep me close
Daniel: I'm a strong swimmer
Hold on tight
Me: thank god, as I am not
the water is refreshing and calm
Daniel: magic
Me: truly
Daniel: you put up the [super nova] for your avatar
you do that when we make love
Me: yes. I do.
will you say it again?
Daniel: I love you...
Me: I love you, too.
Daniel: 'Why do birds suddenly appear - because you are near?'
Me: because I love you, cheeseball
Daniel: ...
*savouring the very special moment*
Love is grand with you
Me: Purrrrrr
Daniel: Sends claudine longet - we've only just begun - [(they long to be) close to you].mp3
Me:  sends C:\Documents and Settings\User 1\My Documents\My Music\Dan Reed Network - Slam\[Stronger Than Steel].mp3
Daniel: we did that simultaneously
Me: I know! =)
You have successfully received C:\Documents and Settings\User 1\My Documents\My Received Files\claudine longet - we've only just begun - 01 - (they long to be) close to you.mp3
Me: Hope you like my cheesy 80's hair band love song, lover.
Daniel: I like all you ever care to send me
Me: song is so sweet
I think my heart might burst
Daniel: here, let me hold it for you
Transfer of "Stronger Than Steel.mp3" is complete.
Oh that's the 80's for you alright - brilliant
Me: imagine the hair flipping...I'm finding a photo of the band...at their 80's worst [http://www.anthonyjosephevans.com/danreednetwork/pictures/index.htm]
Daniel: omfg
Me: they have all the colors of the rainbow
fucking talented as hell
Portland band!
hearts!!
Daniel: I love number two's pants
Me: the overalls? he's got dreadlocks down the back of his head
Daniel: the overalls yes - why do people wear disasters like that
Me: their mommy didn't teach them any better? and check out the patchwork shirt tied at the waist. wtf?
Daniel: lol
Daniel: SOOOOO 80's
Me: very
Daniel: I never did that
Me: hm
something equally heinous tho, right?
Daniel: those carrotpants - I had those
Me: skinny jeans? that's it? come on...
Daniel: white sock?
black loafers...
pastel t-shirts
Me: well...that's not heinous at all. Are you one of those people who enjoyed social life at school?
Daniel: the white socks went over the bottom of the pants
Me: Oh
that's NOT okay
Daniel: ugly
Me: bad
Daniel: very
Me: but still pretty tame...I guess you managed to emerge from teen hood unscathed...except for that nasty elementary girlfriend situation you created.
Daniel: that amongst other incredibly stupid things
Me: fastforward
now you're being rewarded for penance paid
I love you
Daniel: I'm loving this, and I'm loving you
this is going to be a good day
Me: +)
thank you for the link to the videos you've converted up on youtube. what a might fine man you are, what a great actor.
now that I have video too...
I can imagine myself in your arms so quickly
Daniel: You'd fit right in
Me: *sighing deeply, snuggling into you*
Daniel: I've got your song on repeat
Me: stronger than steel?
Daniel: yes
I'm in love with you, Shelley
Me: that's so wonderful to read again and again.
Daniel: now you probably need to sleep....
Me: Yes I should sleep.
But I will won't sleep at all because now I know you love me
Daniel: you're precious darling. Night. I'd sing a lullaby to you if I was there....
Me: in french please
Daniel: mais bien sure...
*kisses*
Me: good night lover. Do me a favor? Kick today's ass
Daniel: I will, you can depend on it

I thought about Daniel the entire time I was in my cabin, and I saw him in everything. The trails cut into the rocky coast for the stagecoaches traveling from Canada to California looked like Daniel's smile-lines. Bloated, extinct things that washed up from the sea and dried out on the beach's billions of tiny grains reminded me of his art. I gazed for hours at the craggley rocks holding our cabin over the sea, and thick tuffs of [a forest] curling out looked like Daniel's wavy black hair. I baked food which I knew he would love, and when I slept I dreamt about being the lucky woman who attracted attention, admiration and love from this virile Danish man. Being the woman who one day might have her beloved in her arms whenever she wanted, wherever she wanted.

Becca came to [sit down by the fire] next to me on our last night in Hug Point, and I could feel her itching to ask me questions about Daniel. She had only gleaned the barest of background information about him until then, this man who'd managed to wrap me so tightly in his focus from so far away. Our faces glowing as we felt the heat of the flames, the ends of my hair shooting moonbeams, I blurted my confession that I was completely, impossibly in love. That was all she needed to hear. She felt my hearts love. And there I lay, wrapped in her arms of admiration, stroked into tranquility by a silent awe of my choice to step out from behind my walls of protection for a love undefined.

I brought home a rock I found on the beach, a small [stone] the shade of bone with crevices amber-stained. Its brightness spun me from a dreamy last-day stroll on the spongy beach. It seemed both out of place on the sand next to the larger egg-shaped gray ones strewn nearby and perfectly planned, put there for me to discover it. It reminded me of my reaction to my lover's unexpected, emotional appearance in my life. I was so very much in love, without a clue about how such a love could exist without physical consummation, or what the hell we were supposed to do about it.

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The Miracle in July is the work of author Michelle Anderson.